I lost an argument the other day – and it’s bugging me.

It’s not so much that I lost, since we weren’t really arguing – as that I let it get away from me because I was pushing on two different ideas at once. I let myself get all confused and failed to make any point at all.

So here’s idea one: “There exist people for whom religious belief makes it is easier to lead a happy, good life.” Note that I’m not talking about child rape, bigotry, dark and hidden political agendas, the phrase “in God we trust” on the currency, or any of the usual woes that beset organized religion. I’m talking about faith in a non-empirically-provable god or gods. My observation is that (a) it’s possible to decouple belief from a lot of the badness of organized religion, and (b) some folks find it easier to face their lives with God at their back.

Personally, I do not. I do observe a correlation between faith and people who are less stuck in their heads than I am – who are less academic, and perhaps less unhappy if their pencils are not perfectly aligned on their desk. Note that I am specifically not saying “smarter” people or “people farther along the path” or anything judgmental like that. Some people don’t like bitter flavors, some do. Some are happier if the pencils are perfectly aligned, and some don’t care. Some people find that faith makes it easier to get along – some do not.

With that said, here’s idea two: “I think that organized religion has some really valuable properties in terms of lifting societies out of chaos and into a stable state.” I’m thinking specifically about Haiti here – the fact that after decades of aid – the country is still struggling.

My observation is that external aid is really hard to do effectively – since you tend to get people hooked on your largess. Similarly, I begin to think that we may have done Haiti a disservice by knocking over dictator after dictator. Where they are right now is chaos. Would order, even under an exploitative regime, be better than that? Religion splits the difference. As I’ve observed it in practice down there, religion is about a community saying “we will be better than this – we will be better than we are right now – and we will do it for ourselves.” It’s inspiring to watch a community build a church out of the mud. It’s stunning to watch them use that church as an anchor for a school, a clinic, and so on.

Somehow, between those two thoughts I let myself get all confused and dragged into the question of whether Haiti was somehow morally and intellectually inferior to the US – and thus not equipped for my highfalutin god free existence. That wasn’t my point at all.

I’ve had something of a revelation this morning, related to the old stand by question, “do you believe in God?”

Historically, I thought that this question was about belief in God. On reflection – I don’t think that it is. I think that it’s more akin to “how’s it going?” Perhaps a bit more serious and intimate – but not much. When someone asks “how’s it going,” the appropriate answer is “not bad – yourself?” or a similar platitude. This is just a drop of the social grease that lets us get through our days and years without killing (too many of) each other.

I think that people who ask “do you believe in God,” are really asking “do you agree with me?” “are you one of us?” or maybe “do you think I’m a good person?”

This would explain a lot about how freaked out people get when I answer “no,” and also explains a lot about their total inability to explain this “god” or “belief” thing they’re interrogating me about.

This goes double for people who ask about a relationship with “Jesus.” They seem unable to quantify to any extent exactly what that means besides “we’re all cool – right?”

I’m going to indulge in a common fallacy for a moment here – and write a little bit of opinion that is 100% outside my area of expertise. This is a common way for even clever people to wind up looking like idiots – but hey – so are blogs:

technolope shared an article recently: http://www.hussman.net/wmc/wmc100308.htm , by a fellow with a “long memory.” The core of that article is the observation that sometime in the 1990s the American stock market completed a transition from what might be called “fundamentals based” trading to, perhaps “technical” trading. Rather than trying to predict the behavior and profitability of companies – people took to trading against pure patterns in the market itself. This has led to increased volatility, wildly inaccurate pricing, and bubble after bubble.

Note that bubbles are nothing new – they just come much, much faster in the new world.

My opinion: He doesn’t take it far enough. The old model might be summed up as: “Investing is putting my money to work. I will buy into the American growth engine. As the (piece of the) economy (that I own) grows, so does my wealth.” People would buy pieces of corporations based on business fundamentals, expecting “their” companies to use the money wisely and to make a profit over the long haul based on long term growth and dividends.

The new school might be, by contrast: “Investing is a fast paced, high stakes game. I will go to the poker table to fleece these other rubes out of their coin.” The thought that a shareholder might -actually- own a piece of a real company is far from most investors minds. In fact, the person who wants to buy and hold – hoping for either dividends or (snort!) long term growth is just an old fashioned sucker in this new world. He’s the guy who dumps some money on the table and then flirts with the cocktail waitress all night – assuming that his pile of chips will take care of themselves.

That guy? That’s you and me and our 401k plans.

The core difference, to me, is that in the old model it was explicitly possible for “everyone” to win. Sure, some companies would not grow as fast as others – but since the overall economy was the basic mechanism of profit – the game was non-zero-sum. Interestingly, the old system actually reinforced that economic growth because companies who looked likely to succeed in the long haul got valued more highly – and had more capital to work with.

In the new model – there is no time for that sort of thing to work. I’m counting my profits by the day and by the week. Therefore, my profits cannot come from the business or the economy at a whole. They must come from your losses – and vice versa.

The new system *explicitly* removes the most important good feature of the old fashioned stock market – putting capital to work in the economy. Because profits are instantly removed and redistributed – it actually removes money day-to-day and punishes companies who focus on business fundamentals.

What does this do for me as a guy in my 30s, trying to save enough money that I don’t have to be a Wal-Mart greeter in my 70s? Well, it means that my answer to that old question “what’s your tolerance for risk” is “I have no stomach for it.” Don’t put my chips on the table at all. I’m an old fashioned, utilities, T-bills, and specific companies kind of investor. You want my money, mr. company? Pay regular dividends and show me the math about how you’re going to grow steadily over the next 20 years.

I have no interest in contributing to wall street bonuses – so I’m getting out of the street.

See ya – suckers. True, there’s no free drinks from the cocktail waitress – but at least I’m not destroying America.

Two weeks ago, I was in Atlanta, GA – working for the Center for Disease Control (and prevention too!). That’s a cool gig.

Last week, I was in Hampton, VA – working for the Science Directorate of NASA. That’s also a cool gig – but in a totally different technical area.

This week, I’m at home – multiplexing between tasks for both groups while trying to do plebeian things like dishes, catbox cleaning, and so on.

My job rules – but sometimes it can be an eentsy bit stressful. Just sometimes. Usually it’s beer and ping pong all day. Not this week though.

Fortunately, I have good friends. technolope took one for the team last night and accompanied me to Symphony Hall to see Itzhak Perlman perform. redmed couldn’t use her ticket – being in Baltimore and all. Then we went shoe shopping (srsly) – and then to the Lower Depths tap room for an awesome beer – and onward to meet capital_l at their place, where we made tacos and played with the Wii fit.

The Wii fit rules. It’s like – fitness science. I know that my left leg is wobblier than my right. Wii fit quantifies it.

Today, I finally got back to Judo. Sometimes it’s nice to have the break so I can see my progress from a distance. Sometimes I just realize that I fall out of shape quite rapidly – and that muscle memory needs constant work to build it.

Onward.

I’m writing design slides on a Sunday. This is part of an effort to get in front of an out-of-control project at work – whose details may someday make it into my memoirs.

Oh precious memoirs – to be published when I never intend to work in any industry again – let us burn all the bridges at once.

In other news, the weekend is going quite well. We had join us for Mad Science Friday at the lair. It wound up being more like “drunken fish fillet Friday,” but that’s okay too. We tried the 21 year old rum that and I brought back from the Dominican, and it was good. In short, the house is basically up and running. We’re still hanging curtains and stuff – and the office is a disaster zone – but without undue effort we can support a 5 person dinner party with a fire in the fireplace and youtube upstairs afterwards.

The office is a disaster zone because I’ve decided to change “everything.” The current design includes:

* large, mostly empty desk with keyboard, mouse, monitor, and perhaps one piece of paper at a time for notes.
* Cluttered desk somewhere in the corner behind me for piles of crap like bills, installation CDs, letters that I’m not going to answer, and so on.
* Being able to reach my whiteboard (currently behind my desk)
* Dedicated art space, with brushes and stuff already laid out.
* Fewer “office” looking pieces of furniture. Four drawer ugly metal filing cabinet, I’m looking at *you*.

So that’s what’s up. I’m swapping between writing slides and shifting furniture. It’s a good
Sunday.

Finding it hard to post non-friends-locked stuff when all the interesting bits of my life are happening at work. Perhaps this is the insane travel schedule kicking in.

My dreams of late have been vivid, violent, and … well … not calm at all. Usually I maintain my calm mental state into the dream realm. Lately I’ve been having trouble calming myself enough to sleep at all – and when I do dream it’s – well – it’s bad. Fortunately, I’ve got the trick down where I lay still and slow my breathing – and even if my mind keeps racing, at least my body rests and I don’t get too worn down. However, even six hours is a long time to sit there wondering what time it is and whether I’m dreaming yet.

No seriously, I get it. I’m hip. Trust me. I know what you’re about to suggest. The dreams are still bad.

February is an awful month for my family. We say that “the veil is thin,” but what we mean is that nearly everyone close to us who has died did so in Feb. The days are short, the weather is crap, and so on and so on. Throw in anti-malarial drugs and their vivid dreams and a brutal travel schedule, and you’ve got – well – where I am now.

On the other hand – I got badged at the CDC today. Picture taken and everything. Let’s hear it for small victories. Without giving too much away, let’s just say that I think I can help us to be more effective in our response to the ever-present horror of another flu pandemic. Wheeee.

Time for body-mandated horizontal rest period. Perchance to … god I hope not.

Look where you are.

Are you where you want to be? Are you what you want to be?

If not – are you packed? Can you pick up and go today?

If not – get packing. Can you get to where you need to be tomorrow? Will you be alive and better to do what you need to do tomorrow? Will you be healthy and energetic tomorrow? Why not now? Why not today?

If so – get walking.

Let’s be more than what we are today.

Let’s be more than this.

So I’m on the road again – but to a familiar place (Atlanta). I am, however, doing an unfamiliar dance. I appear to have lost lock and allowed five (ten? fifteen?) years to pass. Perhaps it was more. This is not my beautiful house – but I am not the new kid anymore. Suddenly, I find myself in the role of the dude who knows what he’s doing – and who gets to show someone the ropes.

Back in the day, I worked at a company called ERIM. They put me in DC for a couple of summers – since they got contractual points for having someone onsite with The Man – and I was 20 years old and thought that paid travel was sweet and a per diem was a daily bonus. On the first trip, my grandboss (boss’s boss) traveled with me.

We got to the Hertz counter at BWI, he got his keys from the nice lady, and I was stopped cold for – well – being 20 years old and knowing nothing. After I flailed for a bit, said metaboss (John) leaned in and said (of me) “he made his reservation exactly like I did.” They continued to dither and whine about how I wasn’t 25 … or some other crap. He calmly got on his cell phone, talked for a few seconds, and then hung up.

A few minutes later, the phone on the desk at the Hertz counter rang. The clerk picked it up, said “yes sir,” a couple of times, hung up, apologized to me, and gave me a car.

I shit you not.

That is still my absolute benchmark for power. I have no idea how he made that phone ring – (I suspect that he called our travel agent) – but it impressed the everliving hell out of me.

I find that I have similar chops now. I roll like – if not a hurricane – at least a tropical depression. I skim right over potholes and bumps in the road that used to stop me cold.

I have no idea what we’re going to do tomorrow – but it’ll be cool. The phrase du jour is “hey, you called me.”

I say “we,” because I’m traveling with someone who reports to me.

Ah life – you are a funny one.

Last week, I was in Hampton, VA – working for The Man.

I spent the day with my Pittsburgh colleague because his reason for being in town (training session in Boston) was canceled on very short notice. Then technolope and capital-l got back from the UK. We picked them up at the airport. Was nice to be around people all day, but I’m glad it’s sort of an optional thing.

Also, I wrote an essay about the Haiti experience – and there’s a risk that a trade magazine might pick it up. @redmed is currently hacking at it because (as she said) “I want you to look good.” Fair enough. Hack away.

Tomorrow, I depart for Atlanta to work for The Man. Different people, same Man. Back on Thursday night.

Next week, it’s back to Hampton to work for The Man again.

At some point here I would like to get back to a normal routine. All of the pieces of these days are fun and useful – it’s like having a whole jigsaw puzzle but no time to put it together.

Becoming strong does not mean that things get any easier. It means that you can accomplish more – but you still have to work your ass off – go home sore – get up tomorrow wondering why you don’t just quit – and then do it again.

The amount of effort one can expend before giving up. Let’s call it willpower. Tenacity. Spirit. Balls.

The brute force one can bring to bear on a task. Let’s call it strength. I’m talking about the martial arts here – so let’s stick with strength. More generally, we might call it talent. Chops.

The manner in which you approach a task. Let’s call it intelligence – though that’s a loaded term. I’m looking for a better one.

The repertoire of skillz that you bring to the table. Let’s call them skillz. Techniques. Level.

What you manage to accomplish is some multipler of these four factors. It’s not that the Olympic athlete finds it *easy* to do what they do. It’s that they combine force, will, intelligence, and skillz to their best advantage. Good coaches get this and tune the formula to maximum effect.

I have limited but growing technique at the martial arts. My raw strength is not great. However, I have a pretty good will and I’m clever. So I get by. I rolled today with men much, much stronger than me. Every single one of them. There was some sort of navy seal pull-up contest after the workout that I don’t even want to talk about.

Many of the white belts don’t have much technique. Some tapped because I got a solid choke or stuffed an elbow in their sternum and let them lean on it. I looked for those moves (on three guys today) because they were bigger than me, stronger than me, but seemed to be relying on strength – which frequently means that they’ve been able to muscle people around in the past. That means their will might be weak and a bit of pain might do to them what *nothing* in the world will do the wiry, leathery dude with a quarter inch of callous on his knuckles and the crooked nose – i.e: make him give up.

Others bested me for the first few rounds – and then I started winning because I had been letting them burn their strength before deploying mine. If I smell smoke coming off your skin, I’m gonna give you a cardeo workout and see how long you last. I may not have built massive strength – but I’ll go all day. Go on. Tire yourself out. That’s intelligence.

Others – I couldn’t find a weakness – and I’ll be thinking about it and replaying our rounds for the next couple of weeks until another opportunity presents itself.

Some are simply monsters across the board – and I was humbled that they worked with me.

The best were doing me a favor – letting me figure out why they kept winning until I changed my game – and then finding another thing to work on until I figured that one out. I used to think that was a jackass move – to beat me the same way five times in a row. Now I know that it’s an opportunity.

The line from the guy running the class was “training is 50% helping your partner and 50% improving yourself.” I believe that. The one, single, standalone, no BS quality of the best martial artists I’ve met is that they know in their gut that by helping me they help themselves.

Strangely, that’s also a truth from the Buddhist teachings I’ve read. It all comes together

I got a minor injury today. Naturally it was from a white belt. The black belts rarely injure you. They have control – and they want that 50% that comes from working with a good partner. I try really hard to be a good partner – and in return I’ve trained with some amazing people.

This is also true in my work – except I’ve got technique – and strength might be better stated as ‘persistence’ or talent. In my domain – I’m better than in this cross-class warrior stuff. I find things easy in my work that most people find quite difficult – so I go further. Perhaps I *am* that guy running the class and letting someone else work their stuff against me.

Einstein said something along the lines of “Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater.”

So if you look at me and think I’m a wuss on the mat – perhaps I am. I’m training my will. I’m working on strength – and I’m not there because I imagine that I’ll ever compete for a national title. I don’t imagine that my raw talent set will take me to the top of the game – I’m playing to the top of my effort.

If you look at me and think I’m a success in my career – perhaps I am – but I’ve got it level set to “just as difficult as I can stand.” Anything less would be laziness and a waste of the massive good fortune I experience. I found it hard to improve my skillz any more – so I’ve started training willpower.

Core message: If you’re doing it right, it’s not *easy*, ever. If what you’re doing is *easy*, then you’re playing below your level. You’re failing to live up to your potential as a human being. If life is easy – you need to step up. As capital_l says, you’re “killing pigeons.”

Take heart. I don’t think that Obama finds his job easy – but at least he’s playing to his level. If he fails, he will have failed at a level that most people never reach. I know for a fact that Olympic athletes don’t find their competitions easy – those are people who push themselves to their limits – again and again.

The saying written on the wall at the dojo is that a black belt is just a white belt who never quits.

I’m a black belt in karate, and today I earned a white belt in jiu jitsu – from someone I respect. I have no intention of quitting.

Don’t give up. Don’t quit. Play to your level. And help your partner – it’s the only way to improve.