Of Negative and Imaginary Lays

Lightly edited for content and privacy, I present here a chat on the topic of her notional new charity. Also included is a discussion of whether “getting laid” must always have an integer coefficient – as opposed to the existence of both negative and imaginary lays.

While it was still funny this morning, please keep in mind that this was “beer up the nose” funny last night.

9:38 PM Dude! M. and I just had the most brilliant idea ever!!!!!!!!

9:38 PM That smiley there? That wasn’t supposed to be a smiley. It was supposed to be a parenthetical remark.

9:39 PM It was supposed to be ( drunk ).

10:15 PM What was the goddamn idea?

10:15 You’re killing me here.

10:16 PM Ok… we want to start a charity….

10:16 PM This is an M idea. How does it involve simulated boobies?

10:16 PM for *kids*!

10:16 PM Kids charity. Got it.

10:17 PM Catchy idea.

10:17 PM Kids who are dying.

10:17 PM Like Ronald McDonald house.

10:17 PM A single tear courses down my cheek.

10:17 PM Continue.

10:17 PM Exactly.

10:17 PM Kids who are dying…

10:17 PM Are we killing them?

10:17 PM No. They’re dying anyways.

10:17 PM Okay. At some level we’re all dying.

10:17 PM But I digress.

10:18 PM Right. But these guys are dying, like, right now.

10:18 PM Okay, onward to the charity where we – what – save them?

10:18 PM Pay per view?

10:18 PM They’re dying, but they really want to get laid before they die.

10:18 PM Like, *really*.

10:18 PM How young are these kids?

10:18 PM I think they’ll have to be 16+.

10:18 PM You’re going to have a charity where you bang the underage?

10:19 PM Not me specifically.

10:19 PM Remember the conversation we had about prostitution?

10:19 PM Pity-screw for the kids?

10:19 PM Totally.

10:19 PM Wait, we’re going to pay hookers to do this?

10:19 PM Well, who else would?

10:19 PM I *knew* boobs came into this somehow.

10:19 PM Exactly.

10:19 PM I dunno – charitable people?

10:19 PM Hey, it’s cheaper that way…

10:20 PM Some of ’em, though, will need a professional.

10:20 PM Okay, broadly speaking I support the “get people laid before they die” idea.

10:20 PM I thought you would understand.

10:20 PM Would you be an arm of the “make a wish” foundation?

10:20 PM We were thinking we could pick up where they left off. They have political considerations, after all.

10:20 PM M. wants to call it the “make a dirty wish” foundation.

10:21 PM Are we talking just a quick wham bam, or the full “girlfriend experience”

10:21 PM Do dying people really think about sex all the time? I guess that 16 year olds do.

10:21 PM Whatever $500 gets you at the Mustang Ranch.

10:21 PM I’m *sure* 16 year olds do.

10:21 PM In between chemo.

10:22 PM Yeah.

10:22 PM Hey, *some* of them worry about this. Not all, but some.

10:22 PM And some of their parents will even let them.

10:22 PM What if they’re dying of a transmissible disease?

10:22 PM There’s a larger problem of making prostitution legal.

10:22 PM We’re thinking we’ll be based in Nevada.

10:23 PM Is this an under the radar attempt to get legal prostitution through as a 501c3 charitable organization and then expand from there?

10:23 PM Because that would be sneaky.

10:23 PM And totally unlike me.

10:23 PM “Sure, it’s hooking, but it’s not for profit hooking, for a good cause.”

10:23 PM That’s actually remarkably evil.

10:23 PM It’s not evil!

10:23 PM No one is hurt by this!

10:23 PM True.

10:23 PM Just sneaky then.

10:24 PM Unlawful? maybe.

10:24 PM Chaotic good, all the way.

10:24 PM Chaotic good better have high intelligence, that’s all I’m saying.

10:24 PM A moron level chaotic good is just chaotic.

10:24 PM Ha!

10:24 PM (witness evangelical christians)

10:24 PM Yeah…

10:24 PM So as you can see, M and I split a bottle of wine tonight.

10:27 PM I have just read this whole conversation to J.

10:28 PM She asks “why do dying children need to have sex?”

10:28 PM Ha!!!!!

10:28 PM If they’re actually teenagers, that should be obvious.

10:28 PM There is an implicit suggestion in her voice that we are not really talking about the children here …

10:28 PM Couldn’t we, like, help them not die instead?

10:28 PM That would be better, but probably wouldn’t cost $500.

10:29 PM J does not believe that this was a single bottle of wine you split.

10:29 PM Perhaps it was a large bottle?

10:29 PM Nope. Just one. Sorry to disillusion you.

10:29 PM What if there were children having sex that they did not want to be having.

10:30 PM Perhaps we could provide a negative lay in those situations.

10:30 PM That would be another problem that $500 could not solve.

10:30 PM “negative lay” Wow.

10:30 PM And that would build up – work with me here – a store of negative lays that we could use to offset the positive one.

10:30 PM and thus – net – no sex changed hands.

10:30 PM I am filled with a strong desire to edit this chat and place it on the internet. This is comedy gold.

10:31 PM I think my high school career build up enough “negative lay” for an entire nation of unwilling children.

10:31 PM We know that there are imaginary lays.

10:31 PM That’s just the square root of a negative lay … thus they exist too.

10:34 PM I think that if imaginary lays could really be multiplied together to negate “real” lays, there would be no real lays left and the entire species would be gone. Therefore the vast number of imaginary lays out there must not have any effect on the real ones.

10:34 PM And you should *not* be making me do this kind of math while drunk. Seriously. I’m a *biologist*.

10:35 PM How, exactly, would you bring together two imaginary lays without destroying them and creating a *real* lay?

10:35 PM I think they’re like – antimatter – or something. Positrons.

10:35 PM R. would know.

10:36 PM If they work like imaginary numbers, bringing two imaginary lays together would produce a negative one. That *negative* one would be the danger. So they must always be kept separate. This must be why it’s so difficult to discuss porn with your friends.

10:36 PM I suggest that imaginary lays are also mutually repulsive.

10:36 PM Real lays are as well.

10:37 PM However imaginary lays and real ones attract.

10:37 PM Not enough!

10:37 PM You need a real one available, and the imaginary is attracted to it. Unfortunately the product of a real and an imaginary lay is also imaginary.

10:38 PM You know, that’s probably a good thing.

10:38 PM Not for the kids.

10:39 PM I still think a dying high school senior should be able to get some.

10:39 PM Let’s be blunt: You think that high school seniors in general ought to be able to get some.

10:39 PM Not necessarily…

10:39 PM The dying part just puts a shorter fuse on it.

10:39 PM No?

10:40 PM They should have hope of getting some.

10:40 PM So this should be a lottery.

10:40 PM Usually, that hope is college.

10:40 PM Certainty doesn’t breed hope.

10:40 PM Hmmm… maybe.

10:40 PM I like the idea of spreading hope among the suffering.

10:41 PM Yeah. You’re right that there are more desperate demographics than sick teenagers.

10:41 PM Hooker-con should be co-located with a trek convention.

10:41 PM *boom*

10:41 PM I think that *would* destroy the universe.

10:41 PM R. would know.

10:42 PM Fortunately the universe to be destroyed would be an imaginary one.

10:42 PM I find saying “R would know” insanely funny in this context.

10:42 PM Totally!!!!!

10:42 PM Because we’re talking about the physics, right?

10:42 PM Exactly!!!

10:42 PM Brain said “physics,” but fingers typed “physical.”

10:42 PM Stupid freud.

10:43 PM That’s what the swing dancing is all about, right? Kinetics?

10:43 PM I like your charity idea, but I think I need to make this one of the ones where I just write a check. Not getting my hands dirty on the dying teenagers.

10:43 PM I can’t quite bring myself to associate my name with hookers. It’s sad, I know…

10:43 PM You never answered … I guess you did … about whether there was actual relationship fodder here.

10:44 PM Relationship fodder?

10:44 PM I don’t think that they remember your name for $500 at the mustang ranch.

10:44 PM Though I dunno.

10:44 PM Ah, I see. Yeah, probably not.

10:44 PM *ahem* M and I can take one for the team and do some research.

10:44 PM For SCIENCE.

10:44 PM You guys have fun.

10:44 PM Or we could just ask P.

10:44 PM HA!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

10:58 PM I think I prefer “Screw the children” as a name.

11:00 PM I think that is the best name ever.

11:01 PM So does M.

11:02 PM So, you’re going to put this conversation online, right?

11:03 PM What was it you said? “I’m not sure about associating my name with hookers?”

11:03 PM But yes. I’ll format it right up.

11:03 PM Ha!

11:04 PM I was figuring you would take names out of it.

11:04 PM Maybe leaving just R. and P.

11:04 PM I mean, they’re like proper nouns.

11:04 PM Sngzzzrrrdddd!!!!!!!

11:04 PM Totally.

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