Okay, it’s time for some serious internet blog whining. I intend to vent. You are under no obligation to read this, much less to respond … I say it mostly to get it out of my head.
Here I shall say nothing that has not been said before
And in the art of prosidy I have no skill
I therefore have no thought that this might be of beneft to others
I wrote it only to habituate my mind.
I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. I think that it’s multi-factorial – and I suspect that like all of these episodes in my life it will resolve itself as the seasons and my fortunes start to turn.
But gah. Seriously. Meh.
First off, it’s f-ing late August. There has been no summer to speak of. Sure, we married off my brother … and bought a house. That was neat. There was also a bit of whale watching and … um … a weekend in Maine? However most of the summer seemed to involve sweating in an attic, work travel, dying cats, and writing large-ish checks to contractors.
For the first time in two years, I’m stressing about money. I know. Whine whine privilege whine … but I had managed my life to the point where I was *not* stressing about money. Bills came, bills went. The budget worked, and I took time every few months to tune it. Now I’m all “can that wait a couple of weeks so we can get paid?” I hate stressing about money.
Did I mention nursing my cat to her inevitable, bloody end over the course of two months? Did I mention making the bi-weekly decision to not end her life followed by the special one-time-only decision to end it? Because if I forgot to mention that, my whining would be incomplete. We’ve still got the cremated remains in a nice little box on the dining room table … along with about two months worth of backlog on crap that has no deadline to deal with but ought to be handled at some point.
My health is awesome, yet I feel like my body is falling apart. My knees hurt. My shoulder hurts. My skin has little thingies on it that open up and then take a few days and a band-aid to heal. Some of you have long term chronic pain. I’m whining about skin tags. I know, I know. See the header. My blog.
I have great friends. I hang out regularly with some of the cooler people I’ve ever met, and they seem to think likewise about me. I’ve grown used to the ‘imposter syndrome’ phenomenon, where I can’t really bring myself to believe my own hype. I live in fear of being found out as not really all that clever or productive … and that fear is what makes me work harder to keep it from being a reasonable fear … or at least keeps people from noticing it right-now-today.
I feel like I’m behind on a dozen things. The house in Detroit needs my attention. It needs to be emptied and sold at a loss. Downtown Detroit is not coming back any time soon, and that house isn’t going to get easier to maintain. Of course, dealing with that will require both dealing with recalcitrant family and (naturally) sweating in an attic.
Worse, I ought to be working on something … meaningful … but I don’t know what it is.
I feel this vague and morbid sense of dread when I think about the future. Me. Mr. “I’ve trained my mind and spirit to a high degree.” Mr. “gives decent advice on matters both of spirit and flesh.” I meditate. I do 120 push-ups at a stretch. I cite eastern and western philosophy. I’m working on black belt number two in between yoga practice. I’ve sponsored my own goddamn scholarship. I bring religion to the atheist club and atheism to the thanksgiving table. I play chamber music with my peers, I’m a fish and farm co-op member. I participate in an annual art retreat. Still, I find that I have no goals that extend beyond age 40 (that’s the second black belt … ), no deep passion for my work, and no hobbies that I wake up and think “god, what a cool hobby.”
I waste a lot of time on trivialities. I’m starting to think that I understand what the Dalai Lama means when he says that he considers small talk a sin.
You know what I’m looking forward to right now? Finishing this house move. I want to schedule the movers earlier rather than later, mostly because it will get the process over with sooner. I want to stack up my schedule and get kicked in the ass – win or lose – succeed or fail – but get in the game. I’m sick of waiting for other people’s schedule to determine my own. Bring it. All this week? Great. All today? Even better.
I’m fully aware that I’m the luckiest person I’ve ever met. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to be someone else.
So if you’ve made it this far, then your input is solicited. I don’t need any self help crap. I’ve read it. I write it. Instead of that, expect more of me. Call me on my crap. Don’t let me get by with the same answer I gave you last year – demand more.
Yo. Out. Gonna get on a plane in 7 hours … but first perhaps … yes … a little auto-tune the news.
