{"id":1496,"date":"2010-10-13T01:57:00","date_gmt":"2010-10-13T05:57:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/?p=1496"},"modified":"2020-04-04T13:34:42","modified_gmt":"2020-04-04T17:34:42","slug":"late-nites","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/2010\/10\/13\/late-nites\/","title":{"rendered":"Late Nites"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

So here I sit \u2013 awake as all hell but with vision bleary from exhaustion. Typing is an effort. My mind spins and spins. I munch homemade sauerkraut and sip ginger ale in an attempt to settle down to the point where I can lay still in bed and not bug redmed<\/a>. She does not like to be bugged \u2013 especially during the designated sleep-period. She has her own troubles \u2013 more direct and visible than mine most days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two more business proposals out the door. A quarter million dollars of deliverables wrapped up in 30 pages of mostly-boilerplate. Will we get the work? Most likely. Would we have gotten it without my last minute of \u201coh my God, give me that,\u201d edits? Who knows? The basic structure was there \u2013 the ideas were right, if vague. Most likely, the customers would have accepted the proposals but we would have been screwed, delayed, and stressed downstream because something was vaguely specified and under-funded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can the team do the work? Sure, no doubt. These two even look like they would be fun to work on. Neat science. But can we do it on schedule without getting still further backed up? That\u2019s the unknown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Somehow, through some weird and ironic twist of fate \u2013 nine families (17 adults and 14 kids) rely on me \u2013 at least in part \u2013 to stir the electronic embers hard enough this evening that the coals fan to life one more time this year. In the morning, perhaps, they will wake to a hot cook-fire and a lured beast in the hunting grounds. At that point, they will go and do the deed. I\u2019ll help, maybe, a little \u2013 but mostly I\u2019ll wonder whether this late night, like the others, is a useful contribution or just a parasitic scam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Would all of this have gone down without me? Probably. Do I make it better? Maybe \u2013 for a few people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah. There we go. \u201cGuero\u201d by Beck. That\u2019s what we were looking for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m like some sort of zen stress-puppy. My coping skills are fully deployed every day. I take breaks in which I walk to the coffee shop and back without checking email or twitter. I breathe deeply. I insist on a shower and clean clothing before lunch. I achieve INBOX 0 satori each afternoon. I exercise to exhaustion in the evenings \u2013 or else I unplug with friends, food, conversation, and Starcraft. I have hobbies, a beautiful wife, a house more comfortable than I need \u2026 and yet the backlog of shit grows and I wake most mornings to a feeling of vague dread and being behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps the Indigo Girls can help: \u201cJoanie left for South Africa a few years ago \/ And then Beth took a job all the way over on the West Coast \/ Seems I\u2019m heavier by the year and heavier by the load \/ Why do we hurtle ourselves through every inch of time and space? \/ I\u2019m -a- sit around some corn and rock and rest in place. \/ With every lesson learned, a line upon your beautiful face. \/ We\u2019ll admit ourselves one day: These memories we\u2019ll trace.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The question in the front of my mind is \u201cwhere does this train go?\u201d I see my situation for what it is. I\u2019ve got a great gig in the middle of the worst job drought in decades. I\u2019ve achieved work-nirvana in a lot of ways. I work from home. My reporting hierarchy is \u201cflexible\u201d to the point of laughter. I do not worry about making rent or buying food. Nobody is shooting at me. Nobody takes my stuff. I have the flexibility to worry about the ethics and sustainability of how I live and to bitch about the government, out loud, without fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As his holiness points out: If these material things were the source of happiness \u2013 rich people would be happy all the time. They are not, so there must be more to it than that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The goal for the business this end-of-year is to begin the push towards the new structure. Six years in this gig. I\u2019ve risen from \u201cemployee number one\u201d to directing all our activities. Everyone is looking at me, expecting me to tell them where we go next. Well, almost everyone. Most of them are looking at me to be sure to win that fight too \u2026 and to win it so smoothly that the team stays together and productive through the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Screw it: Perhaps my dreams will give some answers \u2013 but more likely they will include being chased, onstage, on the mat and out of my league, just on the edge \u2013 all without pants on. I haven\u2019t talked to the ancestors in my dreams for a while now. Too busy outrunning bears with my knickers twisted around my ankles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanks for listening. Me? I\u2019m typing this stone cold sight unseen \u2013 forehead on the desk \u2013 Godsmack \u201ccryin\u2019 like a bitch\u201d blasting in my headphones. See you tomorrow.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So here I sit \u2013 awake as all hell but with vision bleary from exhaustion. Typing is an effort. My mind spins and spins. I munch homemade sauerkraut and sip ginger ale in an attempt to settle down to the point where I can lay…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39,42],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1496","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-management-leadership","category-real-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1496","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1496"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1496\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1497,"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1496\/revisions\/1497"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1496"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1496"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dwan.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1496"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}